Unwritten

7-20-1970

This is the day that my mom, Tracy Jo Futato Olson, was born.

A couple of days ago was her birthday. This post is in honor and in memory of her, and it is completely inspired by the legacy that she left…

I woke up on July 20^th, like any other day, besides the fact that Mama was just a little bit more on my mind. I had a smile on my face getting ready, she would have been 46.

I had to work that day, and when I walked into the kitchen after clocking in, the one song that Mama and I used to jam to in the old maroon Suburban on the XM radio was playing, and it made me smile:)

“Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it, release your inhibitions. Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else. No one else. Can speak the words on your lips. Treat yourself with words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open. Today is, where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten…”

No one did this better than her. Cancer or no cancer, Mama always stared at the blank page before her with an open mind and a joyful heart. Joy that only comes from having hope in the Lord. Mama always had the words to say, and she was always striving to become a better version of herself, whether it be a better mother (which was impossible), a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, or a stronger Christian. She set goals. She met goals. She was strong, stronger than anyone I’ve met to this day. No one could face the obstacles that she did with so much grace, so much positivity. Nothing held her back. In my young eyes, she was invincible. Even to the last day, Mama was a fighter. Being in our family’s position, you had to take things one day at a time. She did. She took everyday with arms wide open. She lived everyday to the fullest, no matter the circumstance. Sure, there were bad days, but she always knew God was still writing her story for a purpose. She knew that everything was happening for a reason, so she was confident in her Creator.

Isn’t that beautiful. Our stories are still being written. Day by day we get up, and it seems like we’re just “going through the motions,” but we aren’t. Each day that we wake up is for a reason. There’s something to be done. Every day that we wake up, there is a purpose. There is a purpose for your life. No matter how you feel, whether you think you are worthless or ineffective, God has a different plan for you. He holds your value. He holds your future. All we need to do is surrender to Him and His will for your life. It can be scary giving up all control. It’s something we must do daily…give ourselves up daily, but it is worth it. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

I know for a fact looking back, that my mom’s life was not the easiest. I know some days it was a struggle to put on a smile or to call me on the phone and be filled with so much joy, but it was worth it. She knew it was worth it. She knew that God had greater plans for her life than she could ever imagine.

And same for us.

God has greater plans for us, if we just surrender and obey. He is the author of our stories. What is unwritten to us, is written by Him.

A girl, grades, and God

This has not been my semester. I’m sure you could ask any of my friends, family, or professors; I have been lacking in the brain department. As April winds down and finals week starts up, I can’t help but to feel discouraged. All my life I have been the “smart” one, the genius, etc. And quite frankly, lately I feel as if I haven’t been stacking up.

This kills me. The worst part about this is WHY it kills me…

I never really noticed how much my grades seemed to define me until college. In high school, it was never a struggle, so I never really had to worry about if I was or wasn’t the “smart” girl. Now, I find it depressing to make a B on a test, or even when I have trouble understanding a particular chemistry lecture (nerdy, I know). But the thing is, it’s not because I am disappointed in myself for being dumb (I know I am trying, I know I am smart). It’s the fact that others may not see me as smart. It’s the fact that others may see me as a failure. It’s the fact that I am not living up to others expectations that makes my stomach go into knots. I want to satisfy everyone’s expectations of me. I want to make my dad proud. I want my family to be proud, and I want everyone to know that I’m still the “smart” girl. (FYI I know my dad and family are always proud and love me no matter what, I just feel as though I shouldn’t let them down)

The problem with this way of thinking is that my so-called “learning” is all based upon my reputation. I’m not learning to benefit myself, to gain knowledge. I’m not learning to somehow benefit others in the end. I’m learning to make good grades to get a high GPA. How can I possibly think this is OK? What does my almighty God have to say about me using his God-given gift as a way to improve MY reputation? I have been blessed with intellectual abilities by a God who has so much more planned for me than I could even begin to think out, process, or even try to establish on my own. And then here I come, all high and mighty, thinking I’m someone just because I can make a 94 on a General Chemistry test. HA.

So, I am done. I am done with being too hard on myself. I am done with living up to others expectations and standards for me. The only being I should try to win the approval of is God, and guess what Kristen? You don’t have to do anything to gain his admiration, love, and affection. He created you. He loves you. No matter what you do in life, He will always love you. But what makes this even better? If you give up all control in your life and surrender yourself to His ways, His path, and His plans, He has a splendid future in store for you. You need only to have faith.

I think so often we get wrapped up in our image, in our lives, in our own little world that we fail to realize how enormous our God really is. He is stronger, greater, and larger that ANYTHING we could ever imagine! We cannot even begin to comprehend the degree to which He loves us. As followers of Christ, we must stop masking our true identities and holding our spiritual gifts captive because of our own reputations or the thoughts of others. God created us, so obviously He wants the best for us, and overall has a greater plan for us. He blessed us with our gifts, so instead of using them to our own selfish schemes, we must be open to His plan for us so that they may blossom into what they were meant to be all along. Our gifts were given to us to fulfill a much larger plans that anything involving “only us.” We must have peace. Although it may get hard sometimes, we must take heart, because our hope is in the Lord.

I know this seems like silly, obvious information. But it’s easy to forget when there are professors lecturing and handing out grades left and right, talking about what assignments are due when, and how many points you need to make an “A.” I’m not saying I am going to stop trying, obviously not, I am just going to have faith that everything is going to work out for my good in the end. I am going to trust my Creator and His plan for me. School was never meant to be easy. But rest assured we can make it easier on our minds and spirits when we rest in the fact God has the whole world in his hands (and that’s including you).

Psalm 139:14 (NIV) I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18(NIV)16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Kristen:)

The Butterfly

As many of you probably know, butterflies hold a precious place in my family's heart. This past week I had an assignment in my writing class to write about a metaphor that I held important in my life. I hope you enjoy this quick story about a girl, her mother, and a butterfly...            

The Butterfly

            It was a beautiful day in April. Small, brown finches were chirping to each other from miles away. Bees were buzzing with a determined sound. Bright yellow and red flowers were blossoming all throughout the fields, and there was a slight breeze whispering through the trees. However, something was off.

It was a young girl about the age of ten. For such a young age she had an extraordinary sense for nature, and she had an incomparable desire to think. She was curious about anything and everything dealing with nature, from worms slithering in the dirt, to why the tides changed from morning to night. But today she wasn’t thinking about any of these natural occurrences, she was thinking solely about her mother. See, her mother was in remission from leukemia when they found out she had relapsed.

            On this particular day in April, the little girl was strolling around the park with her newly diagnosed mother. Despite the delightful weather, the young girl couldn’t help but feel as if a low-lying thunderstorm cloud was hanging right above them as they made their way around the park. The mother noticed her daughter’s irregular behavior and began to question her most private thoughts.

“What on earth has you down in the dumps, doll?” the mother asked with the most compassionate tone, even though she knew exactly what was running through her daughter’s head.

“I don’t know…” whispered the daughter, with a hint of sadness on her face. “I just don’t know what’s going to happen, you know…If you don’t get better.”

The mother quit looking around to look up at her daughter’s innocent face, when she noticed the silent, but most incredible butterfly she had ever seen before.

“Stop right here,” the mother commanded. Although she was ill, she was not the personality to back down from anything. The daughter stopped pushing her wheelchair for a moment and walked in front so she could see her mother’s face.

“You see that butterfly?” the mother questioned; the young girl’s eyes immediately fluttered around until they latched onto the bright yellow Monarch butterfly that was resting peacefully beside her mother on a flower.

“Yes, Mama, I see it. But what does that have to do with you and me?”

“Let me tell you about the butterfly,” the mother spoke softly as she gently smiled and looked over at her daughter.

“The butterfly is a peculiar creature. It begins its life as a small, pudgy caterpillar; rarely do people ever stop to observe a caterpillar. Although they aren’t ugly, they don’t yet understand the beauty that they are destined for. They are small, vulnerable, and constantly feeding; they are like this some time until it’s time for them to become a chrysalis. That is their preparation for what is to come. Although they don’t know what is about to happen, they understand what they must do, and they have the courage to withstand the adversity. They feel drawn to it; it’s their destiny. Once they are lodged into their new environment, the outside of the chrysalis looks as if it remains the same. The inside is where all of the change is occurring. During this time, they are rapidly undergoing a magnificent transformation. When their new bodies are fully transformed they are fully prepared to emerge from their chrysalis. Suddenly, what once looked dead is now bursting to life. A beautiful, colorful, winged creature, a butterfly, comes out of this chrysalis. It is one of the most amazing miracles in all of life. You see, sweetheart, this is how they are like you and me.” The young girl was fully engaged in her mother’s interesting description of the butterfly, but she had questions.

“How, Mama? How are they like you and me? We don’t ever come out of chrysalis!”

“Ah, let me explain,” the mother replied. “The Bible says in 2 Corinthians that ‘if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, the new has come.’ You see, right now we are all caterpillars, waiting to make our glorious transformation from our human bodies. Our body is our chrysalis. On the outside we may change as we grow old or ill, but the inside is where the dramatic change is happening. As Christians, we know we must fully prepare for our ultimate destiny, Heaven. We know that our lives here on Earth are only ‘a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes’ (James 4:14). We must make the time we have here have meaning, have purpose. We cannot waste away day by day not preparing spiritually for what is to come. We know it is our destiny.”

“Oh!” the little girl exclaimed with a grin. “I get it now! We are caterpillars here on Earth, waiting until the day we die and go to Heaven because then we will be beautiful butterflies!”

“Yes exactly! That is why you shouldn’t fear, sweetheart. Although we may not know what will happen tomorrow, we have faith that we know our destiny in Jesus Christ. So whenever you begin to worry about me or what is going to happen, remember that we are fortunate enough to know our destinies, unlike the caterpillar. We know the beauty that one day we will witness. So anytime you see a butterfly, let it comfort you through all of the changes you may undergo. Kristen, if I am ever not with you, let the butterfly remind you to be courageous, because you are preparing to become a butterfly.”

“Yes, Mama, I will. I will always remember.” Little did the girl know that years later, even as a young adult, she would still remember the significance of a butterfly. She would always remember the eminent beauty of a butterfly, of an “earth angel.”

God bless you all!        Kristen

Matthew 6:28-34     (NIV)

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.