A girl, grades, and God

This has not been my semester. I’m sure you could ask any of my friends, family, or professors; I have been lacking in the brain department. As April winds down and finals week starts up, I can’t help but to feel discouraged. All my life I have been the “smart” one, the genius, etc. And quite frankly, lately I feel as if I haven’t been stacking up.

This kills me. The worst part about this is WHY it kills me…

I never really noticed how much my grades seemed to define me until college. In high school, it was never a struggle, so I never really had to worry about if I was or wasn’t the “smart” girl. Now, I find it depressing to make a B on a test, or even when I have trouble understanding a particular chemistry lecture (nerdy, I know). But the thing is, it’s not because I am disappointed in myself for being dumb (I know I am trying, I know I am smart). It’s the fact that others may not see me as smart. It’s the fact that others may see me as a failure. It’s the fact that I am not living up to others expectations that makes my stomach go into knots. I want to satisfy everyone’s expectations of me. I want to make my dad proud. I want my family to be proud, and I want everyone to know that I’m still the “smart” girl. (FYI I know my dad and family are always proud and love me no matter what, I just feel as though I shouldn’t let them down)

The problem with this way of thinking is that my so-called “learning” is all based upon my reputation. I’m not learning to benefit myself, to gain knowledge. I’m not learning to somehow benefit others in the end. I’m learning to make good grades to get a high GPA. How can I possibly think this is OK? What does my almighty God have to say about me using his God-given gift as a way to improve MY reputation? I have been blessed with intellectual abilities by a God who has so much more planned for me than I could even begin to think out, process, or even try to establish on my own. And then here I come, all high and mighty, thinking I’m someone just because I can make a 94 on a General Chemistry test. HA.

So, I am done. I am done with being too hard on myself. I am done with living up to others expectations and standards for me. The only being I should try to win the approval of is God, and guess what Kristen? You don’t have to do anything to gain his admiration, love, and affection. He created you. He loves you. No matter what you do in life, He will always love you. But what makes this even better? If you give up all control in your life and surrender yourself to His ways, His path, and His plans, He has a splendid future in store for you. You need only to have faith.

I think so often we get wrapped up in our image, in our lives, in our own little world that we fail to realize how enormous our God really is. He is stronger, greater, and larger that ANYTHING we could ever imagine! We cannot even begin to comprehend the degree to which He loves us. As followers of Christ, we must stop masking our true identities and holding our spiritual gifts captive because of our own reputations or the thoughts of others. God created us, so obviously He wants the best for us, and overall has a greater plan for us. He blessed us with our gifts, so instead of using them to our own selfish schemes, we must be open to His plan for us so that they may blossom into what they were meant to be all along. Our gifts were given to us to fulfill a much larger plans that anything involving “only us.” We must have peace. Although it may get hard sometimes, we must take heart, because our hope is in the Lord.

I know this seems like silly, obvious information. But it’s easy to forget when there are professors lecturing and handing out grades left and right, talking about what assignments are due when, and how many points you need to make an “A.” I’m not saying I am going to stop trying, obviously not, I am just going to have faith that everything is going to work out for my good in the end. I am going to trust my Creator and His plan for me. School was never meant to be easy. But rest assured we can make it easier on our minds and spirits when we rest in the fact God has the whole world in his hands (and that’s including you).

Psalm 139:14 (NIV) I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18(NIV)16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Kristen:)